I am a recovering procrastinator.
Over the years I have realised I am not alone in that department. We have ideas, dreams and on our own we can often put things off for a variety of reasons, including those difficult conversations we know will be tough to have. It’s just amazing, the STUFF we put in our own way. The ways in which we complicate things for ourselves, or am I the only one who has done this? Err… is still doing this? Sometimes the person to have that difficult conversation with is the one staring right back at you from the mirror. And it starts with a question: what is it you REALLY want?
Of course, this is all wisdom learnt after the event… so let me back up a bit and start somewhere closer to the beginning.
What I REALLY wanted to do after school was go to university. I wanted to be a teacher, a MATHS teacher. Some people had other ideas. ’Over my dead body’ was one. My mother wanted me to be a teller in a bank. Sad thing is, I get confused after counting to three – the mind wanders. So I ended up doing Radiography. You had to have Maths. That was it, I was sold.
There came a point when Radiography just was not for me anymore. I remembered fondly how I had passed a computer aptitude test while still at school and decided it was time for a change. All sorts of people told me how I would be competing against people 10 years my junior, how tough it would be, how I was getting too old to study, how being a mother of two my commitment would be questioned and so on and so on… Nay sayers. Yes, it was tough. And yes, I was ‘competing’ against people 10 years my junior, but I had something they did not. I knew how to talk to people. My ex Radiography colleagues rolled about laughing when I told them this. I was not reknowned for being a ’people person’ in those days. Besides, I chose to make the change because I was convinced that I would be a better mother if I was happier and more fullfilled in my job.
So started a long career in Information Technology: programmer, systems analyst, project leader, business analyst, project management, process management, resource management, first at a Financial Institution in South Africa and then in the United Kingdom.
Back in South Africa in the late 1990′s, with the world in the grip of Y2K fever, talent hunting and scouting was at an all time high. Everyday I would receive piles of snail mail at home advertising jobs in the States, the UK, Germany, Canada, Australia. My children would regularly enquire whether I was eligible for any of these jobs and to demonstrate I would do a sorting exercise, separating out those I was qualified for from the rest. ‘So why don’t you go for it?’ Loads of people were leaving South Africa on account of the political situation. Sometimes I felt I’d be the last one left to switch off the lights.
Get this: What you focus on EXPANDS and once I entertained the possibility of working and living elsewhere, it seemed to take on a life of its own. The move to the UK, adapting to life in a foreign country, all the things that go with relocating, finding a job, schools, making a life from scratch, was a huge challenge. It was further compounded by some serious issues. Nevertheless, I wanted the life experience of living and working in another country. It was tough, very tough. One day as I was getting off the bus on my way to work, I was thinking to myself ‘I cannot do this anymore’ when a voice in my head said ‘dig deeper’.
I guess I listened! I reviewed what gave my life juice in South Africa, realised it was the company I kept, their can do positive attitude, love of learning and commitment to self development. Once I started bringing these things into my life again, the going got easier. I have met some amazing people on my journey, learnt some amazing things, like the skills for tough conversations amongst others. I knew long before I was made redundant that my days in the corporate world was numbered and that once more I’ll have a fresh new blank piece of paper for a new chapter in my life.
What can I say about change?
I want to say it’s easier to accept change when you initiate it. But then, before you make the change you may have had a long time getting used to the idea, weighing the pros and cons. There’s that push and pull of change, the longing for new horizons, the inertia to get started, the fear of the unknown before you finally take the leap.
I want to say it’s much harder to be at the receiving end. Redundancy, sudden death, unexpected and tragic events and situations. It’s the shock and the feeling of not being in control that makes it harder.
However change comes, choice or no choice, it challenges who you think you are, your perception of yourself, of life. You learn things about yourself that you’d rather not know and things about other people you never suspected. It’s a voyage of discovery.